i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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