Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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