You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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