Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
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Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.