Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.