So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
