I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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