Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
