Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
