Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
