Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
