I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
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she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
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Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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