If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
