insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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