new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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