just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
