Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
