I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
