I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
