i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
