I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
