I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
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We should be called the Road Head Warriors
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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