The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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