Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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