She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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