I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
