all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
