if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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