and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
