You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
