I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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