Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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