Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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