She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
