got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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