So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
