Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
