Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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