OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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