I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is it penis luge time yet?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
