saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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