My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
