Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
if only i could text you this smell
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
