I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
