Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
