Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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