I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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