it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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