Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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