I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize