If that was your dad, he is hot
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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