He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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