Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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