Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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