I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
